The Wicked Dichotomy

Living on the outskirts is more free than living within.

Good and evil, light and dark, hope and despair; the dichotomy within us all. I’ve always felt “good” inside, but with a little shadow, living on the edge of my light and shading the outlines. How very human, and yet, we’re taught to avoid the shadow and live in full, bright light. The girls were watching The Descendants movie the other day and Rory said, “I’m half evil and half good. Sometimes I cause trouble with my magic”. I got a chuckle at that because there is something drawing and rebellious about the darker side of ourselves and I love the idea of my little girl causing some mischief. I get a gleam in my eye thinking about disrupting the status-quo.

It’s in the shadow-part of ourselves where we feel like we don’t fit in, that we are different somehow than everyone around us. But that’s where our uniqueness ends because everyone I’ve ever met says they don’t feel like they fit in. Why do we spend so much time then, feeling so weird about not fitting in? What pressure we are fed to do it.

We went to see Wicked in theaters over the Thanksgiving break and it was captivating. I had seen the play in London and didn’t have high hopes for the movie, but I was pleasantly blown away. The theme of the play is just too relevant and the artistic vision was so strong.

The struggle between being authentic versus trying to fit in is such a strong pull on the human heart. We spend all of our youth trying desperately to cover up our “weirdness” and be accepted by our peers and acceptable to our elders. Then we spiral in our 30s, trying desperately to unlearn and unravel the restricting web we’ve spun around ourselves only to come out gasping for air, desperately seeking our uninhabited selves back.

I recently got to meet and hold my friend’s newborn baby girl. I got a little flash of sentiment for this little girl’s unscathed sense of self and her comfort within that I know she will struggle to find her way back to her whole life. But we see in the two witches, Elphaba and Glinda, the internal struggle of walking our own path against the grain laid before us and losing our sense of self in exchange for approval. We can relate to both witches. But only one of them becomes truly free, truly happy because she’s listened to her own internal compass. My favorite quote: “now that I don’t have to be good I can be free” ruminates in the back of my head as I listen to the lyrics of “Defying Gravity”: even though I’m flying solo at least I’m flying free…I think I’ll try defying gravity.

I get tears in my eyes and goosebumps on my body singing this song with my girls. Envisioning them soaring above those heavy feels of fitting in and, instead, dreaming of them soaring, free in their own hearts and spirits. So powerful it is to see it done in both story and in real life. I’ve defied gravity, leaving behind the vision I had for my life of teaching and taking a step into the unknown, seeing how I can fly. And that’s what I want my girls to learn. If it doesn’t feel right, take the flight. Take the step. Reinvent at any moment. Don’t commit to mediocre just because so many others around do. Back to the lyrics: “Everyone deserves the chance to fly”.

Wicked teaches us that the darkness isn’t even darkness, it’s actually just a misinterpreted and misrepresented reality by the majority that can’t stand on their own two feet. Guts are what it takes to stand in authenticity. And it’s more fun anyway. Glinda may have gotten her power when she succumbed to Oz, but at the price of her own heart. The true witches live on the outskirts of town, flitting in and out, captivating the townsfolk with their rooted sense of identity. Everyone is drawn in their direction, fascinated, but few will consider the untold story of why the witch left town to begin with: to step out to achieve her own real, rooted peace.

That’s the dichotomy. Will I be good or will I be free? Will I have hope or will I have despair?

Authenticity may be somewhere in between.

When you step out of the box

You are alone

Solitary

But not lonely

A sense of rising in the heart

As you hover

In your peace